Mumbling #4

Here we are, at this sequestered seashore. At the millenia-old intersection of the land and the sea. The place where the incessant waves touch our wounds and drag them away, like how they treat the sandcastle we've built earlier. But this soundless twilight in this place that refuse to talk, soon, very soon, immerses me in yet another beautiful pain - immerses me in you.

"Let's wander somewhere. Let the stars decide where we should go." And we saunter, drifting away separately but connected in meaningful yet incomprehensible way, to the hill north of the seashore where we stood before.

There are sands on the beach and trees on the hill as far as I lay my eyes, embraced by the clement wind of an afternoon that is almost gone. Here I feel like a minuscule nobody, lost in paradise. Such a perfection, as if a pair of divine hands is secretly working behind these scenic masterpieces; the hill, the beach, the sea... and you.

We walk, strolling up and higher this hill, crushing fallen leaves of the late dry season with our feet. A salty coastal wind blows your hair madly, but you seem to be not bothered. "I feel this wind deliver comforting hug, instead of a bone-shattering chill", you said with that soft lips of yours. Meanwhile, up in the sunless sky, the stars start flickering from their semi-slumber. The moon is already reigning majestically. Such a serene and tranquilizing view to the heart.

"I'm always gonna miss the stillness of this place", said you, in a gentle, solemn voice. You brush your hairs aside, looking down the ground. I see you are visibly anxious. "You can come here again anytime you want. I will be here". I try to regain my composure, subduing the flutter and anguish in my heart. Actually, who can stand the thought of parting and departing?

I muster all my courage to hold your hand with my sweaty palms. You chuckle, perhaps thinking of how silly I am like a junior high school kid being first time in love. "Why?" you ask. "Why do you love me?"

"I love you, as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret*. I do not love you out of boredom, or loneliness, or a worldly lust, or ephemeral enchantment. I love you, because the desire to love you surpasses any happiness."

You smile, and I think you could never be more beautiful than you are tonight. Your smile relinquishes me of my strength. In my trying to look sapient before your eyes, I befallen, succumbing to weakness in my heart.

Not a word you say afterward. This beach is still sombre. The hill is still resolute. An ethereal nuance engulfs us in the most comfortable silence ever. Little by little, the beach, the sea, and the hill are chiselling memories to our heart. Memories that are carved forever, and soon taken away to our respective exiles.

This is a place that throbs with so much beauty and solace. Where pain and love stand in close proximities. Where hope and desperation drown us in a new grief. Continuing. Insisting. We try our best to be stoic, but we begin to weep silently, as we know that no matter how unbearable this pain is, we will always try to fix each other.

"I know nothing about my heart. About the future." You sigh.

"I know. My brain defies sense-making, too. What a feeble kind of human we are. "

I try assiduously to cover my sorrow with equanimity. The ocean is gleaming from the silvery moon reflection. Oh how I wish to be a fish, swimming free to an endless sea. Over the edge of the world. Over again.

Then, from the west of the hill, there comes a great flock of a hundred million firefiles. Without realizing, we're holding hands even tighter. And your lips and mine are dancing in unity.

* Pablo Neruda, Sonnet XVII