“ I found the one my heart loves. I held, and I would not let go...” (Songs of Solomon 3:4)
My thought wanders to a time long passed, almost a decade ago. A time when I started to be in love with this woman, Nitha. A time half spent in silent longing, while she had been another’s.
In today’s vernacular, I would’ve been called a “bucin.” A slave of love. Forgetting is so long, to quote Pablo Neruda. And five years of failing to forget was very enslaving to the soul.
There were nights when I think of her, or, to be more precise, the absence of her. Thinking that I was not with her, and to feel that I had lost everything that was beautiful to me.
There were days I masochistically watched Shinkai Makoto’s film, “5 Centimeters per Second.” The protagonist, Takaki Tohno, was a reflection of mine (perhaps also shared by many others). An image cruelly reflected by the black mirror. It was not the lost of love that broke me every time I watched that film. It was the lost of the ability to love again; the lost of the ability to move on.
It made me shudder: how many years should I spend before I am free from this torment?
After all, the heart wants what the heart wants. And the heart wants nothing less.
Nothing is perfect, that is probably true. Perfection, if any, is in the eye of the beholder. And Nitha is close enough to perfection for me.
When Nitha said to me that she broke up with her ex, my immediate reaction was befuddlement, instead of joy. After all, I have spent many a year constructing a temple around the idealized, imaginary persona of her. She was the idol, beyond my horizon. I was thus unafraid of failure and heartbreak, because how can I fail a relationship that does not exist?
But now, having a relationship with her, to be disappointed (or to be a disappointment), and altogether failing the relationship seemed like an imminent possibility.
But I decided to try. I demolished my metaphorical temple, to lay ground for a new reality full of imperfections.
Nitha is a strong-willed woman, often labelled herself as egoist. She knows what she wants, the way she wants it to be. If faced with 10 options, she will comprehensively evaluate the pros and cons of all 10 of them, while I will evaluate three of them and pick the best. She’s sometimes annoyed at me for not being thorough or lacking of initiative. While I am often annoyed at her picky nature –bordering on obssessive – and inefficiency.
For the last 5 years of having this free-form arrangement, we upped the ante. We wanted to see if we could tolerate with each other’s personal quirks, habits, and difference in opinions.
We started a trial we weren’t sure how it would end. We even weren’t sure how it started. Our “anniversary” was arbitrarily chosen at 20 October because I never properly asked her to be my girlfriend, and she never properly replied a “yes”. 20-10 seemed like a cute number and we went with it for years.
We tested ourselves whether we can set aside preferences and desire. We tried giving up individuality and the convenience of being alone.
It is of my great surprise that she tolerates my jittery and erratic decision-making ability. Without admitting it, she has sacrificed her ego for far too often.
Thankfully, we pretty much survived. We then braved ourselves to be tied in engagement, and then planned to marry.
We asked our friends why they decide to marry – especially for reasons beyond mere legality and religiosity. There wasn’t very satisfying answer. To be honest, we had no particular reason to get married.
One pragmatic reason is to satisfy the state apparatus and our families, thus keeping them from intruding what should’ve been our business and our business only. Indeed, had this country been like Sweden (or had there been no unconscionable draft of Criminal Code penalizing cohabitation), we’d just probably choose to live together. Tethered by hearts but remain unattached by the law.
So, why I think I ultimately agree to marry?
“Marriage”, wrote G. W. F. Hegel, “is a contract to transcend the standpoint of all contract”. Unlike regular contract in which both parties retain their abstract freedom, marriage is instead a mutual surrender of abstract freedom and autonomy to a higher organic ethical unity.
Gracy Olmstead expounded that marriage was never meant to be a vehicle for self-fulfillment, convenience, or pleasure. It’s an ethical bond to the other, for the good of the other. Marriage was never meant to satisfy every desire and longing of the heart. On the contrary, marriage provides discomfort. Heck, even preparing for marriage is already a frustrating and tiresome endeavour. Marriage indeed goes against every individualistic instincts.
On its surface, marriage is just a declaration made on the altar, officiated by the representative of God, confirmed by the state, witnessed and recognized by family, and sometimes followed by superfluous celebration. They are the “Big Others” as Slavoj Zizek wrote when he invoked his Lacanian legerdemain.
But marriage should not simply be taken as constraining. When the knot is tied, two hearts are liberated from the transient, fickle and purely subjective aspects of love. It is a liberation through self-restraint, which is rendered substantial by the something other than the self. Marriage is not merely a union of egoists.
These – the reference of marriage to something other than me, to selflessly love someone other than me – make a marriage is at least defensible for me.
And if I have to marry, I am sure as hell wanting to marry someone close enough to my perfection.
So here we are, after all these times, plunging ourselves deeper into the unknown future.
On 28 September 2019, Nitha’s birthday, we officially start our beautiful ride. I’ve made my vow to carry her home if she falls sick. To love her at the best of times and the worst of times. To stay till the world turns to oblivion and time unwinds to apocalypse. Till death do us part.
All these would not be possible without Nitha, who has shouldered an unequal share of burdens, who makes everything more beautiful than I’ll ever do. I solemnly promised I will do the dishes and the laundry.
It is of course unfortunate, however unintentional, that we’re married in one of the bleakest moments in Indonesian democracy. I personally hope the government and its citizens may unite once again in democracy, as Nitha and I unite in holy matrimony.
Please pray for all the good things in the best possible world for us. May the good things and our happiness today also extend to you all. You have our utmost gratitude.
Lastly, wish us luck. We’re sure as hell going to need it.
